A year in the life of a dumbass: Day 1

Hey again. I’m starting a day in the life series. I’m gonna try and write on here everyday, some days will be shit, some days will be great. The point is I’m trying to apply some structure to my life again, so that in a years time I can look back and see the change over time. It seems almost pointless because plans always go to shit, but maybe that’s the point, I don’t want plans to go to shit anymore.

I’ve been stuck in the past for a long time, reliving memories, clinging on to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Rather than looking ahead I’ve been dreaming of time machines and shooting stars, avoiding responsibilities and the reality of the present. I feel like I’m not here anymore. Like I’m living someone else’s life. I’m sick of it. I want to be here again. I know this is all soppy angsty bullshit, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t relevant or it isn’t happening.

I’m gonna try and be as honest as I can in this series. Both with you and myself. So. Let’s do this thing.


I’m scared of writing.

I’m not really scared of anything, I’m not scared of heights or death or spiders or clowns. I used to be scared of roller coasters until I forced myself to ride the Pepsi max at Blackpool pleasure beach. The point is being scared is something I’m not accustomed to all that much. But thinking about it, writing scares the shit out of me.

Trust me the fucking irony isn’t lost on me. I have a bloody blog and study English at university, but it scares me. It’s not really the writing itself that scares me, more the audience who reads it. During the separation of author and reader the meaning is warped and changed and rearranged. I don’t want my words to be taken in a way that’s negative or hurtful when that’s not my intention. I also don’t want to pour my heart into every fucking word and have it scrutinised under the microscope by every meticulous eye.

But that can’t be helped. The written word invites challenge to understand meaning and the underlining message within. So it’s not exactly something I can run from. So step 1 is just getting over it. It’s tough shit, that’s writing.

I also don’t want to take myself too seriously, or for others to do the same. A lot of people who write take on the form of an unwilling all knowing being. Coming across as someone with insight and wisdom and wanting a pat on the back for pointing out the obvious. Saying mental illness is brushed under the rug, when that’s the only sentence I ever hear before its followed by a string of cleverly worded points you would find in a pamphlet at your local pharmacy. Or regurgitating social ideas as their own to appear brave and Pander to the masses. Life isn’t a series of fucking children’s books, you don’t deserve a fucking sticker for repeating what’s being shoved down our throats on a daily basis, and I don’t expect a sticker for any of this shit.

I feel like I got lost on a tangent there for a second. The point is I don’t want to forget myself and become a pandering blur of political correctness fearful of the words I write because it’s not popular social conformity.

These are all common problems, all reasons many people are scared to write, sort of cliche really. But they are reasons none the fucking less. I ain’t special, or all that wise.

If you’re reading this, I’m just some guy, I like chance the rapper, I fucking love mulligatawny soup, and I’m also scared of writing.


The Path of Least Resistance

I was reading about lightning and electricity, when two points of electricity are placed at different ends of a block of wood, they will find their way through the block and will eventually meet, there will be shit loads of pathways, various trials and errors on the block, but eventually they will find the path of least resistance and join together. What is cool about this is that people do it too. Shortcuts are taken all over the place, all over my campus are trails off the paved paths formed over time by people, people taking the path of least resistance. Isn’t that incredible ? no ? Well I think it’s fucking sweet as shit, it is amazing that we as people keep finding patterns that link us all together, not just to animals but to nature itself.

It seems there is nothing wrong with taking shortcuts when appropriate, you’re getting a few sweet seconds of life back, that other wise would have been spent on the long way round. Now I know that sometimes taking the long way round is the safest way to get the job done, but fuck safety, that long way round has been formed by thousands of people taking the safe way round.Sometimes you have to explore your own path. Sometimes you just have to say fuck it, and find your own path of least resistance.

We’re all more than one.

One of the biggest issues I feel people have with themselves is the expectations of consistency, and also that if people act more than one way then they must be two-faced wankers, which is just not the case. We’re all more than one, we have an infinite number of faces for an infinite number of scenarios, and that’s perfectly okay, ain’t nothing wrong with none of that shit. I’ve had days where I hate everyone, and would say the foulest things about people I know little about, and other days where I’m content with life. I have days where I could conquer mountain and others where just stepping outside is a task in itself. Again, that’s perfectly fine, you can be nice to someone and still not like them, in the same sense you can eat someone’s shitty food to avoid hurting their feelings. As long as you’re not a dick about it, and understand why you are who you are, or say what you say, or think what you think.

There’s more than one way to experience life, and so we have multiple people within us to deal with that. It’s okay to change and adapt into a new person, as long as you remember who came before, and grow from that.

The pursuit of happiness #1

Before I start, yes, I do know the title is as typical and cliché as they come, but it’s the perfect title for what I want to talk about, so fuck it. I think I’m going to start a collection of things in a pursuit of happiness, a sort of guidelines to what I think can make you happy,  or me happy, it’s weird because I’m writing this for me, but I know you will be reading it, so I’ll write as if these rules are for you. I hope that’s okay. Anyway, happiness, it’s something that everybody wants and craves, and rightly so, it’s fucking awesome, but it’s not always as obtainable as you think. It can be really fucking hard to be happy, especially when the world is telling you not to be, and your brain is doing everything in its power to keep you from it, because let’s face it, brains are douches as well. Happiness can be found in the craziest and most embarrassing places, and also in the places you would expect.

Rule 1: Dance 

I guess I’ll start with the one sure-fire way I know of cheering myself up and feeling just that little bit more happier, especially when I’m feeling like I want to lay in bed all year watching nothing but Netflix, eating a mixture of Doritos and Pringles, and only getting up to shower when my bed actively kicks me out in fear of my own well being. My way of overcoming these shitty feelings, is by dancing.

I’m not talking about any type of dancing, you don’t have to be Billy fucking Elliot, you can bust out anything, I’m talking the type of moves Chandler does on his wedding day because his shoes are too slippery for the dance floor, I’m talking about the embarrassing dance moves your dad does around the house and brings you nothing but shame, I’m talking about the no holds barred dancing, the breaking down and busting a move dancing, the type of dancing nobody in the light of day will ever see you doing in fear that their mental capacities could not control the awesomeness and their brains would turn to mush. Okay, that last one was a bit much, but I’m being serious, lock your door, open up your guilty pleasures playlist (because we all have one) , whack in your headphones, turn that shit up to eleven, and just dance around your room with no judgement, you feel silly at first, but trust me, it fucking works. It always cheers me right up, and hopefully, it will cheer you up too.

I’ll write some more shit when I find more avenues for happiness.

Until then, good luck on your dancing adventures, God speed.

Everything is circumstantial

Everything is circumstantial. This is one of the most prominent things I’ve learnt so far in life and probably one of the most obvious. Again it is something we all know, everything will change, but I don’t feel like it was something I truly understood, and a lot of other people really get until they’re forced into changing circumstances. For me, It’s really fucking important to truly understand it and accept it to have a fulfilling life.

I’ve been through so many changes it’s ridiculous, not just normal changes like moving house, or going to uni, but other shit that affected me in both positive and negative ways, I was used to changes, and I expected them, so I was able to go with the flow of circumstances easily. I could accept it and adapt, but one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was getting too comfortable with my circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s not okay to get comfortable with life, I just got way too comfortable, and when the changes hit again, after such a lull, it almost destroyed me. Fear and my naivety turned me into somebody I wasn’t okay with, and am still trying to change out of, and slowly but surely I am. I’m becoming more and more content with who I am as a person, and that’s mostly down to the fact I’ve accepted that everything is circumstantial.

I feel that if you can accept that circumstances will change, whether it will be for the worse or better, then you can find comfort in that, comfort in the knowledge that if things can get bad, and you hate who you are, that eventually circumstances will change again for the better, you just have to fight through it, and it can be shit, really shit. But time will move on regardless of what you want, time doesn’t give two shits about your issues, so you might as well accept that and buck up, simple as.